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I waited anxiously, armed with my green apples and tofu snack bars, awaiting for the first Halloween trick-or-treaters to arrive at my home. As it happened, my first visitor was a little girl dressed up like a little Princess Diana.

"Trick-or-treat!" she exclaimed as she came to my door.

"You know, she's dead now," I informed her as I dispensed of one of my delicious tofu snacks.

"Yeah, it's some shit, ain't it?" she remarked snidely. "My mom," she said as she waved her thumb behind her, "is really into this royalty bullshit, and made up the costume sometime in April. Just my luck, I still fit into it," she explained, and turned and walked away with her Anglophile mother.

I waited about another half-hour(I live in a very rural setting), and my next Halloween arrival appeared.

"Trick-or-treat, dipshit!" he shouted.

"Oh," I remarked, slightly taken aback, "and might you be Don Rickles?"

"What, this stupid skinhead wig I'm wearing gave me away?" he asked me sarcastically, then continued. "Myself, I don't even think Rickles is that funny. Give me an Eddie Murphy or a Sam Kineson anyday, but my old man thinks he's a riot, hence the stupid get-up," he told me, and after I gave him his green apple, shook his head as he was walking off with his "old man".

About 45 minutes or so went by, and then I was confronted with another trick-or-treatster.

"Hello, I must be going," remarked a young man who arrived at my door dressed as a young Groucho Marx.

"You know," I remarked, showing off my familiarity with Marx's quips, "I don't care to belong to any club that accepts people like me as a member."

"Well, either he's dead or my watch has stopped," he said as he gestured behind him toward his father and looked at his watch.

"I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it," I told him, again relying on one of Groucho's quotes.

"Well, time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana," he said as I gave him a green apple AND a tofu snack bar. "Remember, time wounds all heels," he remarked with a smile.

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age," I told him as he turned to walk away. "The next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you, will ya?"

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